Years of emotional eating have brought me to discover my deepest desire and biggest fear.
Which are one and the same.
You see, it was never about the food.
*It was never about me stuffing 8 cookies down my throat.
*It was never about the calorie counting
*It was never about the over-exercising.
*It was never about the strict dietary restriction I would impose on myself.
No. It was much deeper.
It was all about the underlying pain I could not face: One of not feeling Enough.
I was running and eating away the thing I most craved: self-acceptance and intimate connection.
*Accepting and loving who I am, as a beautiful imperfect human being
*Knowing that I am already worthy of unconditionally love
*Knowing that I do belong here. I am never alone.
Everything that I was doing on the outside, was a reflection on what was going on within.
>The way I was showing up for myself, the self-sabotaging behaviors, it was all out of pain
>The way I was interacting with my loved ones, the knee jerk ego reactions, it was all rooted in insecurity
>The way I would push away the support and love that tried to come in, it was all out of fear
Of not being able to trust anyone.
I couldn’t even trust myself.
It was never about the food.
It was all about my ability to open up, embrace and love every single part of myself.
To give myself the nourishment, love and connection I longed for in every single moment – even the moments where I did not like what I saw in the mirror.
What I later realized was that my controlling nature was just me taking my power back.
I was creating a a false sense of security.
A feeling that “I can do this on my own”
That no one can ever do me harm or tell me what to do or what not to do.
Yet it came from a place of deep wounding.
A place where I chose to abandon myself and neglect my own inner Truth, shoving it down with cookies, and literally running away from in with half marathons.
A place that exerts dominance & control out of fear of being hurt instead of creating a safe space within myself in which I can feel all the pain, grief, sadness with love, compassion and deep presence.
The highly restrictive and protective mechanism I had put up like walls around my body literally and energetically blocked any form of love from coming in.
I became separate.
*Disassociated from my body.
*In a tug of war in my mind.
*Drowning in a sea of emotions without a rudder.
*Believing that I needed to figure it all out on my own.
My journey back to wholeness is one of radical self-love, acceptance, trusting & honoring my body’s innate intelligence and surrendering to my intuition and higher guidance.
As I pick back up the pieces of myself that I have shamed and neglected, I also had to address the part of me that believes that I need to do it all on my own.
The part of me that is constantly doing, rushing, planning and organizing.
The part of me that feels exhausted, frustrated and alone.
The part of me that gets defensive, stubborn, attacks and runs away.
The part of me that deeply wants to be held, nourished and unconditionally loved.
What life has shown me, through beautiful relationships, community and family, is that we are never alone, once we choose to allow Love to flow in.
We have created a false sense of separation – in the name of protecting ourselves from harm.
And ironically, in doing so, we are also blocking the love we desire to receive.
We severe our connection with our heart, body and soul.
This divide can only be bridged through our own ability to love and nourish ourselves.
If we remain unconscious, we literally are severing ourselves from the thing most of us deeply desire: a loving deep intimate connection with ourselves, another and Source.
We are all on our own journey back to Wholeness.
Mine just so happened to be triggered and prompted through emotional eating.
The gap we create within can be restored in many ways, some of which are:
*Through re-establishing a loving relationship with your body
*Through prioritizing rest and relaxation over busyness and doingness
*Through allowing yourself to feel your emotions as sensations, without attachment
*Through protecting your energy, setting healthy boundaries and saying “no” (and sticking to it).
*Through identifying your stressors and fears and facing them
*Through discerning who you trust to share your experiences and dreams with
*Through radical self-acceptance of your perfectly imperfect humanness
So it was never about the food.
It was all about the story I chose to believe about:
–the way people view me
–the way I view myself
–the way I view the world.
Which were all stemming from a place of illusion and ignorance.
Lies.
I’m here to seek truth.
Do I believe I am worthy of love? Yes.
Am I open to receive it? Sometimes.
Do I believe I am enough just as I am? Yes.
Am I taking time to rest? Sometimes.
My healing has not been linear and is not over.
It rarely is a straight line for most of us mortal human beings.
However what I can share that has supported me is my devotion, curiosity and openness to FEEL
Everything.
And integrate the invaluable experiences the Universe has gifted me along the way.
The winds are shifting.
The trees are whispering.
The birds are singing.
The rabbits are mating.
Change is coming.
I am opening up to a new way of living.
One more centered around creating spaciousness in my day, week and life.
*For creativity without an agenda
*For giving and receiving hugs and smiles generously
*For sharing food with others
*For resting in my Heart’s Queendom
Without feeling as though I need to deserve any of it.
The life I am creating is one where:
-I can stare into your eyes and say that I love you.
-I can trust my intuition and act on it with confidence.
-I can give generously without feeling that I am lacking anything
-I can allow myself to rest and simply observe Life’s rhythms
Watching Nature do its thing is nice.
So, as you may have noticed, it was never about the food.
